Reflection
People-Pleasing and How IFS Can Help
People-pleasing can look like being kind, helpful or easy-going. But sometimes it is less about kindness and more about feeling that you need to keep things okay with other people.
You might say yes when you want to say no, apologise automatically, worry that someone is upset with you, or feel guilty about cancelling plans because you are tired or unwell. You might also worry about letting people down, even when what you are asking for is completely reasonable.
When saying yes becomes automatic
I noticed something interesting about my own people-pleasing. I was often more likely to do it with people I barely knew than with people I was close to.
I remember going to a yoga class once. The teacher said something to me and I did not actually understand what she had said, but I had already muttered “yes”.
Then she held up a QR code for me to scan. I must have looked confused because she said, “You said yes.”
It made me realise how automatic the response was. I had agreed before I even knew what I was agreeing to.
Strangely, I found it much easier to say no to people I knew well. I trusted that they could take a no, and that the relationship would still be there afterwards.
With someone new, there was more uncertainty.
That helped me realise that people-pleasing was not simply about being bad at saying no. It was also about how safe I felt saying no to that particular person.
How IFS looks at people-pleasing
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) , we might understand people-pleasing as something a protective part of us has learned to do. Often, that part is protecting something more vulnerable underneath.
Maybe there is a younger part that is frightened of rejection, conflict or someone being angry. Maybe it learned that being agreeable, helpful or easy to be around was a way to stay connected or feel safer.
Instead of saying “I am a people-pleaser,” we might say “A part of me people-pleases.”
Then we can get curious about what that part is protecting and what it is afraid might happen if it stopped.
What does this part think might happen if I say no?
What is it trying to protect me from?
IFS is not about trying to get rid of the protector. It is about understanding why it is there, helping it feel safer, and gradually making space to care for the more vulnerable part underneath.
Over time, there may be a little more space to ask:
Do I actually want to say yes?
What do I need?
Can someone be disappointed with me and I still be okay?
You can still be kind, generous and flexible.
The difference is that you have more choice.
Interested in how I use IFS in therapy?
You can read more about Internal Family Systems and how I use it in my work.